Thou shalt not strike thy husband with a baseball bat

Last night, Hefty and I watched 'Ichi the Killer'. Some of it anyway. We'll watch the rest at some point but it had a rather profound effect on me. Firstly, it's not a film you should watch after eating a big meal. This was my first mistake. I thought I could take gory films but this one took the biscuit. At the point where Mr Suzuki is suspended in the air by meat hooks through his skin, and a pan of boiling oil is poured on him, I surrendered to my stomach's plea. I lay in the bathroom thinking I was going to die. Of nausea. We've all done it at some point, we get so sick we actually think we may die, even though we know we won't. I had the fear. Later on, I heard a strange noise downstairs....so naturally I went for the baseball bat we keep in the Mac Suite for security....unfortunately, my suspected invasion of Japanese assassins was incorrect. They hadn't come to suspend me in the air with meat hooks. They hadn't come at all. It was dark, I was confused, I hit Hefty. Luckily, not very hard, just rapped his knuckles a little, but I felt very guilty. I still do.

Tomorrow, I am taking him to a swanky hotel for coffee. Lovely Caryn is currently residing there, so I thought it would be a fun evening for him, as they can talk about wrestling. I'd love to get more than coffee for him but it's uber expensive, so snuggles when we get home will have to do!!!

Moving on, has anyone seen that new Frosties advert? It's the most annoying advert EVER!!!!! Some stupid kid singing "They're gonna taste great" does NOT make me want Frosties. In fact, it makes me want Coco Pops. I'd take the monkey over that kid any day.

My favourite story of the day, is the journalist who, at the premier of Jennifer Aniston's new film "The Break Up', asked her what her worst break up had been?

Doh!

iP

Don't get inolved

Today I learned a valuable lesson. Don't get involved. Yesterday, Hefty and I went out for dinner with my parents. I text my sister to say it was a shame she couldn't come. She didn't know about it. Oh dear. Accusations have flown today, and though it feels like my fault, I know it isn't really, I was just unfortunate enough to get caught up in it all. I feel bad now though. I want to talk to my sister, and my mum, and sort it all out, but Hefty says I shouldn't get involved. They need to sort it out between themselves. Let's hope they do. For now, I'm staying out of it.

So that has marred the bank holiday weekend somewhat but hey, that's what family's for. On Saturday, we went to see the house. The roof is just about on, hooray! Hefty also got his hair cut. We bought fish and chips too, not something we've EVER done since we've been together!! Got to keep the spark alive ey!! Then I snoozed whilst Hefty played Resident Evil. Then I fell asleep, I think?!

Yesterday, we went shopping and then I snoozed some more. We went out for dinner and I came home and slept. Today, we went to see the DaVinci Code which was pretty good, and now we are home I could do with a snooze. Seeing a theme here? Clearly, I sleep too much. Or not enough.

I think I'll eat some cheese first though, with some fresh coffee. Hefty says steam is coming off my car, so I'm also gonna check that out. Hopefully, the cheese will make for interesting dreams which I can share with you later. Sorry if this was dull, I'm just so tired.

Is it bed time yet?

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.................

Return of the Pandah

I am returned.

I have found my purpose again, and have decided that not to blog, is not to live. So even though I spout off random crap on this page every day, so what? It's my blog and I can do whatever the hell I like. If no-one reads it, no-one reads it, but it'll always be mine. Hah!

So, what have you missed? Hmmm.....

Well, this week, Buff, who from now on, not to confuse you, but I shall refer to as Hefty, (because that's his nickname in real life, and I've started thinking recently that perhaps Buff makes him sound gay), and I, decided to pay homage to that episode of Red Dwarf where they're so bored, they turn their chins into people. My eyeliner has never been put to such good use!! I decided to call my chin man, Diffie Hellman, but have since decide on Trevor Burton-Snail, because I am starting to look too geeky for my own good these days. Sometimes, I think I put IT to shame (apart from Ming) which can't be right, as I work in Milk Buying!!! Anyway, it made for a good picture, but, we are going to do many more, including an unlikely celebrity range, so I'll upload some images then.

Also this week, Ming and I took a sojourn and went to KFC. Did I mention Arkwright and I made up by the way? I'm not even supposed to mention him onthis, but I doubt he reads it so I thought I should just point that out. Anyhoo, we went to KFC, and wished we hadn't. As it was my first time in a KFC, I wasn't exactly au fais with the system, but it didn't help that I was served by a poison dwarf. She was so small, and had a manky lip, and rank face generally, and she was wearing weird, dinner plate-sized tinted glasses. Oh, and a visor?!! She was very agressive, when I said "Pardon?" because with her being so small and having a speech impediment I couldn't hear her very well, she huffed and puffed and shouted at me!! I was very, VERY scared. Also, she got my order wrong!!!! But I couldn't go back, she could have been a Reaper, you know, those mutant, vampire, monster things from Blade II? So I ate my disappointing meal, sauce-less, because they were in the Reaper's lair, and told Ming that I never wanted to go to a KFC ever again. You know something is wrong when you're sat somewhere thinking how much nicer McDonald's is!!!! I tried to have my photo taken with the life-size model of Colonel Sanders before we left, but someone had stolen his feet!!! There were iron spikes where there should have been shoes - very disturbing. So, suffice to say, I'm not going to go back there again, unless I'm armed with a shed-load of UV Ray Light Bombs, oh, and Blade himself.

I also spent two whole days trying to add up figures that wouldn't balance, which was a nightmare. Unfortunately, the employees in our dairy, are chimps on typewriters, and I'm pretty sure they make the numbers up. I moaned to Ming about it for pretty much the whole two days, and despite him offering me Ford's help (apparently he's a skilled mathematician), it was finally my old buddy South African Caryn, who came to the rescue. Just as well, Ford didn't look like he really wanted to help anyway, in fact, he gave me a very scary look indeed, so I don't think we'll bring that one up again. Anyways, SA Caryn has returned!! And as she is a raving genius, she managed to help me sort the whole mess out and we got it balanced at about 3pm - just in time for Friday afternoon shenannigans to commence!!

Actually, there weren't many shenannigans (is that how you spell shenannigan?), I pretty much just spent the rest of the day on the phone to my friend A at Bargh (haulier company), discussing random stuff, and the trauma of when she dropped all her coloured drawing pins and had to pick them up again AND put them back in the correct compartments. It was pretty intense.

So now, I'm probably going to go to sleep. I'm kind of tired, and have to be up tomorrow so Hefty can get his hair cut.

Laters people, keep reading.

iP

Get down with the sickness

Hello, I'm your friendly neighbourhood Spiderman. Back from the dead. Just.

Have been ill AGAIN. Getting rather ticked off with this. No-one can help, nothing works. Rubbish.

So what do I have to report? Well, apart from my growing obsession with vampire films, probably nothing. I have dyed my hair so that I now look like Abigail Whistler from Blade Trinity. It's trick. All I need now is some shit-hot weapons and I'll be away.

Have started re-reading Lost Souls by Poppy Z. Brite, a vampire book I always liked, and one I felt the need to read because I myself am feeling like a lost soul at the moment. I have lost my purpose. For example, does anyone read this? No. Except maybe two people. Which is rather depressing. Because what's the point? It's just me spouting random crap and sending it off into the universe of www. It's not even very good, it's a load of shite that pops into my weird head. I think I should give it up for the greater good.

iP

So....

....I use the word 'so' too often.

So

rry.

Gene Hackman

So I didn't blog yesterday. Can't give you a valid reason, think I just plain forgot. I was pretty tired. We caught up on Medium and CSI:NY and went to bed. Perhaps there was some MonkeyBall....

Tonight I had my school committee meeting. I went to a private school and we have this committee that runs everything to do with keeping old girls in touch with each other. I'm deputy chair-woman, a role I take very seriously!! I should get business cards printed!! So it's not very exciting unless you went to my school so I won't bore you with the details, but, I was let down this evening. They usually lay on a buffet, a pretty good one too, as we do have a team of chefs (bet they don't have those at normal schools, just dinner ladies!) who know their stuff. Tonight though, disaster!! I was absolutely starving but didn't eat anything before I went because I was picturing little vegetabley hors d'oeuvres and root vegetable crisps. Well I got there and discovered a fabulous array of fresh coffees - decaf and caffd (possibly made that word up), as well as every type of tea under the son. But apart from some M&S chocolate biscuits, NO FOOD!!!! Could not believe it! I shall have to lodge a complaint, or insist they at least warn us next time if there is going to be no refreshments. So despite my having two cups of decaf coffee, a glass of water and three chocolatey things, by the end of the meeting the bamboo and lily flower display on the stand behind the Marketing Director was starting to look tasty. I couldn't get home quick enough!!!
I shall be playing rounders on Saturday as part of my school commitments. I enjoy it on the day, but last year I got hit in the face by a ball and had a black/blue/purple/yellow bruise on my cheek for about two weeks. Poor Buff had to keep explaining what happened so people didn't label him a wife-beater. I also couldn't walk properly for about four days because I'm so unfit. You must use muscles you NEVER use normally when you play rounders, because I was in agony. It was a struggle to drive, I had to lift my leg onto the clutch to change gear because it wouldn't move itself. Buff doesn't get why I'm going to put myself through it again, but I have to, cos I love my school, and I'm proud of all the hard work I put in. I'm obviously also mentally incapacitated and incapable of making rational decisions. I'll let you know how it goes, if I can type. Typing is probably all I'll be able to do actually so you'll get a very detailed account.

Anyway, I should go to sleep really, very tired, work is particularly crap at the mo, and I think I'm in for another long day tomorrow. Boo. I want to sleep for the rest of the week instead.

There's just time for me to tell you that my cool buddy G-Man gave me his new email address today. It's genehackman@hotmail.com - how cool is that!! Now I'm not telling you this because I want you to email my mate G-Man, it's because I too want a cool movie/music star name email address, so I need ideas people. Inspired by Ming I thought that mingthemerciless@hotmail.com would be a good one, as well as any of the Boosh characters like bobfossil@hotmail.com, but I'm going to pool some ideas and see which is best. So, comments welcome please!!! Wanadoo design people I know you read this and aren't short of a few ideas, get posting!!! And you Jarratt, you must have loads of cool suggestions.

I bet I get no comments now, and I look like a very sad individual with no friends.

Oh dear.

billynomates@hotmail.com

Save me from this fate. Please. Your iPandah needs you.

Monkey affiliates

Well, what a weekend. Yesterday, West Ham played the game of their lives in the FA Cup final, but were robbed in the last few minutes by Liverpool, who don't need to win anything else they're just being greedy. We should have won, everyone says so, but we didn't, and I cried. Gutted. So Buff and I spent most of last night playing MonkeyBall on the old Game Cube. I kept losing at that too, apart from a couple of races, so I felt rather disheartened. And it made me think of West Ham. Vicious cycle.

Today, we took the folks to see the house and then went out for lunch to celebrate, which was ace. The house is coming on nicely, and my Tropicana pizza was super. Even though it was raining, a good time was had by all and I was very happy! Then we came home and I watched Underworld, which made me want to be a vampire!! Or better still, a Vampire/Werewolf cross!!! I was feeling really rock hard anyway afterwards, like I could destroy anything that got in my way!! Until I pulled a muscle in my leg going up the stairs. Too many Haribo MAOAMs, they've made me very unfit, and my teeth get funny after a while. I should have learned my lesson after the Starmix incident really, but I never do. Luckily, I have a couple of Kinder Surprises left, and they always agree with me!! Unless the toy isn't something you can build, cos that's very annoying.

I quite fancy another game of MonkeyBall now. Can't think why? Maybe it's the additives in the MAOAMs - by the way, does everyone else hear the TV advert every time they read that word too, or is it just me?!! I ate a lot of them last night too though, maybe it's a subliminal thing. Maybe the Monkeys are affiliated with MAOAM, maybe I have uncovered a HUGE underground government cover-up thing!!!

Maybe I should eat some cheese to supress the additives. Brrrrrr, I've got the shivers now, I think I'm getting the fear......

Help.

Tufty

Yesterday was a slightly crrr-aay-zeee day for a number of reasons.
Firstly, we exchanged on our brand spanking new house, so we were finally able to tell the 'rents!!! They were super pleased and we are showing it to them on Sunday then going out to celebrate!
Secondly, my good pal and ex-house mate Tufty, left for the big smoke!

Here's what happened.....

When I got into work yesterday morning I was starving, having had no breakfast on account of Buff and I over-sleeping. I found a packet of Haribo Starmix in my desk drawer and figured that would do, as there's little fried egg things in there, which I thought represented a pretty good attempt at breakfast. WRONG!! I felt so sick after about twenty minutes, and they repeated on me for the most of the day, rank!! I have been put off for life!! Kids and grown ups but NOT iPandahs love it so.
Didn't do much work, mainly talked to Super Saz and JT, the wickedace laydee I sit next to. At around 10am, I left to pick Buff up so we could go and sign!! When we got to the solicitors, we had to wait a bit, before this dude turned up with an over-powering limp! It was one of those limps where you weren't sure if he'd hurt himself or was just born like that, so we said nothing...... It turned out he'd injured himself playing football, phew! Not that I would care if it was a lifetime thang, only we had to wait cos it took him an extra fifteen minutes to limp up the street. I'm all for equal opportunities but you'd have to find a way around that if you were charging by the hour!! So anyway, we signed, and celebrated with lunch at Pret a Manger. I went back to work and did even less work. Fridays rule.

After work, we headed into town (not something we're accustomed to) and met up with Tufty, and lots of chums. A good time was had by all. Topics discussed included: Macs, Battlestar Galactica, The Prisoner, luxury pet accessories - namely the ones available on Rupert & Co (there you go Pricey, a shameless plug!), laserdiscs, B&O, and how to make your own drugs using aspirin and coffee.

When the time came to say goodbye (we had to tell the folks about the house so couldn't stay out all night) it was very strange. Tufty is a top bloke, who drives a cool car, and looks after my faux cat Marty. He rides bikes, cooks, and his family and dog are loopy. He also shares my love for Badgers in smoking jackets and cravattes. Good luck Tufty, I will miss you!

When we got to my parents house, they were absolutley delighted, and we spent the rest of the evening looking at the plans, as well as some pictures of it (half-built) that Buff took, and discussing all the wonderful things we're going to do with it.

All in all, a good day!!! If slightly sad.

Well, it's Fred Dibnah day on UKTV History, I'm off to learn about chimneys.

Over and out.

The return of Tyler Durden

And so, the insomnia I like to call Tyler Durden, has returned. It is 3.07am and I have been wide-eyed since half two. I don't understand. I have been so tired all week, I've been falling asleep at my desk. I've been sleeping through every night this week and waking up feeling like I've had about two hours sleep. Does this mean I will be refreshed and lively tomorrow? I doubt it. Listening to Harry Potter on my iPod usually sends me off pretty quickly, but even that has failed to send me off again. I even tried The Chronicles of Narnia, a safe bet, usually. Not this time. Perhaps some music I thought? Alas, my playlist is far from soothing, the closest thing I had to mellow was Hail to the Thief by Radiohead. Let me tell you, it DOESN'T work. It was fine until half-way through the first number when Yorke began shouting "Penetration!" Not the kind of lullaby I was hoping for.

So here I am, thought a bit of Internet browsing might tire my eyes out. Let's hope so. Question is, which website is going to do the trick? I'll let you know.

If I find one.

Hello Moto

I didn't blog yesterday, apologies. I was ill again. I get ever so sick, but the doctor doesn't know what it is so I just have to live with these bouts of terrible nausea that seem to come and go over a couple of weeks. Yuck.
I don't feel great tonight, but am forcing myself to eat some boiled new potatoes, they're little enough to not offend my gastric juices. Hopefully.
Got a new phone today, it's a Motorola V3....hmmmm....not sure. Always had Nokias before, but O2 didn't have the one I wanted, and Buff has one and said it was good so I took the plunge!! It's hard to work, I'm sure it'll get easier, but I'm finding it very frustrating at the moment as it seems overly complicated. Kind of reminds me of a PC!!!! Time will tell. One plus point is that I have managed (or rather Buff did) to put the B&O ring tone on it, so that makes me feel better, beats that ghastly 'Hello Moto' ear bleeder. I just need to get people to call me now, so I can show it off!! Come on peeps, if you can read this you can call me!!
Well, going to check on my potatoes, will try and write more inspiring words tomorrow. Ones that don't involve vomitting.

The truth about Barry

Heaven's above, did you know that Barry Manilow is 6 foot 2!!!! I always thought he was like, 4 foot 11, but he has actually broken the 6 foot barrier! Incredible, just incredible.

So I feel really sick....not sure why. This happened to me a couple of weeks ago. Most peculiar.

I think I'm waffling today, it's cos I feel nauseous, makes me rant.

We're going to watch a programme tonight about a 33,000 pound woman or something. Or it could be about someone who eats 33,000 pounds of KFC every day. I don't know, but I'll watch it and let you know. Buff doesn't want to watch it, he's not a fan of things like that, but I find them fascinating. Also, they make me feel less fat which is always a Brucie Bonus.

Wow, on this programme, Larry is Super-Morbidly-Obese. That's cool. It's going to be my new catchphrase!
"How are you today iPandah?"
"Well I'm super-morbidly-obese, thanks for asking."

Oh dear, Buff has left the room, he doesn't want to watch the fatties and laugh at them. I guess I'll turn it off. If you've seen one SMO person, you've seen 'em all.

I'm lovin' it.

Slight return

Remember me? Sorry for my brief absence. I had a lot of work to do and then I've just been busy!

So anyway. Work SUCKS!!! Have had the worst week of my life this week, and don't want to do it ever again! Too bad I have to go back tomorrow :0(

Yesterday I did lots of washing which was fun. My sister popped round so I got to play with my niece who is adorable. Even though she wiped her nose across my expensive Habitat sofas, I can't help but forgive her. She has two teeth now, at the bottom, they look cool.

We watched Toxic Avenger last night which is an awesome film! It's one of those, so bad it's good type films, but it ruled. On Friday night we watched a DVD called Audition, which I borrowed off Ming. I knew it was going to be disturbing but I had no idea it was going to be as royally f**ked up as it was!! I agree with him though, it's good, but not as good as you think it's going to be.

We went to IKEA today. Or should I say, PIKEA. It was alright but a bit crap. Habitat was fun though, we have seen a fabulous bit of art for the new house. It a 5 foot-ish long canvas with a short cord in the middle. You think, 'What is this?' So you pull it, and a light comes on, a light in the shape of a fancy standard lamp!! It's genius!!

We went to take pictures of the house whilst we were out that way. It's looking good. We went round the back as well, where the fields are, and there's a little bridal path. And a horse. Called Albert. He is very cute. But he does have a massive schlong and it kind of takes away from the cuteness.

Can I just say that CSI: New York was so wrong last night. A spider laying its eggs in a woman's ear. Gross! But that's why it's my favourite, it's the most ludicrous programme ever. I shall have to block my ears up at night now, just to make sure it doesn't happen to me. I get paranoid about things I watch on tv sometimes. Ever since I saw this programme once where spiders hid under lavatory seats, I have had to check whenever I go. It's annoying but I figure better safe than sorry. I am also cautious never to sleep with my legs open in case a scud missile appears and gets up there. But that's just some weird thought I had once, I've never seen it happen to anyone.

I ate too many wine gums this weekend. I can't stop myself. Does that make me an alcoholic?

I also can't stop eating Yoplait Petit Filous Mini-Puddings. The actual title involves the word 'desserts', but I HATE that word so I shall call them puddings. Anyway, they're dynamic. Vanilla Caramel is heavenly, but you only get two in a pack of six, the rest are chocolate. But they're nice too. It's all good. They take the edge off the wine gums.

I might have to go and get one now in fact. And some chocolate milk. Mmmm, yes, chocolate milk.

Workaholic

Oh dear. Last night I was working til about 11.30pm again, so didn't have time to blog. I don't really have time now, I'm just making a small effort to explain myself, so Super Saz isn't too mad with me!! Sorry Super Saz!! I have too much work to do!! Hopefully won't have as much work tonight, and I may actually get to write something. Fingers crossed ey!

Today is voting day, I may do that if i can be bothered.

It's also Star Wars day (May the 4th, be with you) much more exciting!

I'm off.

Live long and prosper.

Busy

Tonight I was too busy to blog. I'm only writing this as an explanation. I was working away on a Stinkpad. Yuck. They must build them for nuclear wars or something, my car probably wears less. It has no style, but hey, it has my work on it.

Must go to sleep, tired beyond belief, will write tomorrow.



Zzzzzzz.....

Ming's Bling

Today I overdosed on Murder, She Wrote and coffee. I also had pancakes. Mmmm.

That's pretty much all I did, until Ming emailed me with some dynamic links.

Ming's Bling 1

Ming's Bling 2

Inspired by these fine examples of humankind, I decided to install my own set of 'grills'.



Yeah that's right homies, I'm one badass mofo. I'm off to see if I can bite through power cables.

Word.