Thursday, June 29, 2006


Okay, so these adverts are really, REALLY annoying me at the moment:

I am sick to DEATH of those horrendous ASDA ones with the singing hell children on them!! Those songs were ALL bad enough the first time round without escapees from the Village of the Damned shouting them out in cockney accents so they can sell more chavvy ASDA shite!!

Similarly, I don't wish to hear irritating women singing 'You are my sunshine' with regards to Oil of Ulay. That's right, I said ULAY, because OLAY no more exists than SNICKERS, STARBURST, or CIF!!

I would like to shoot every cock-juggling-thunder-c*nt that saw fit to appear on an advert for what can only be described as randomness on UK TV Gold. Football highlights? People fleeing to a VW Van to shout football related obscenities in it?? WTF??!!! Stick to what you know, REPEATS, REPEATS, REPEATS!! But of programmes like 'Have I got news for you' or 'The A*Team', NOT hideous trailers for the already over-hyped, over-discussed, over-because England are shite, World Cup shenanigans. We don't need it, we don't want it.

And to you, man on the Cillit Bang advert, why are you shouting? Do you think because our homes are dirty due to previously inferior cleaning products that we can't hear either?? WE HEAR YOU!! And shouting about your pink-packaged creation only draws our attention to the fact that it sounds like you are saying CLIT. That would be CLIT as in CLITORIS, something I doubt you have ever come across before. Or on.


Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Here to stay

Well hello there friends, remember moi? I used to write on this page pretty much everyday, and look at it now!! Nothing for a week!! Shame on me, slap my wrists and all that. Been busy though, not just slacking....

So I finished work last Thursday, and spent Friday doing muchos exciting things. FIrst, there was coffee (fresh of course, I aint no scutter) and porridge with golden syrup. Hefty was also off which was spanky fab. So anyway, we went into town and spent about an hour in the bank. Then we went shopping. Hmm, I seemed to think the day was more exciting than that....I guess not, cos we went home and I ate pasta and cheese. Then prolly watched TV. Hmmm....

So moving on to Saturday, that was DEFINITELY exciting!! We got to see our new house for the first time ever!! Got to go inside it and everything!!! It's uber-phat, I am loving it, and so much space!! The Mac Suite is rockin, as is the games room, where our 32 inch widescreen is gonna look awesome once we're in there and playing......stuff!! Monkeyball would be a winner!!! So it was all good, and we can really picture ourselves in it now, just can't wait!!! We then went to buy our appliances! The chap in the shop must have thought it was Christmas, as we already knew what we wanted, so we just went in and said "We;ll have that, that, that, that...." Ooh, and before that, we'd gone to McDonald's, where I consumed a quarter pounder with cheese, large fries and a vanilla milkshake, mmmmmm!! So we paid for the appliances and went home, to check out the pics we'd taken of our not-so-humble abode. That night, CSI:NY was particularly ridiculous, which was the perfect end to a pretty good day.

Sunday was mine and Hefty's wedding anniversary. After a lovely breakfast of giant croissants and yet more fresh coffee with Dean Martin playing on the B&O, we headed out to see X-Men: The Last Stand. The cinema was akin to some kind of Jetson's nightmare, as there was no-one to buy the tickets from, you had to do it all through a machine. Rather annoying, we had wanted to pay in cash! Even more annoying, noone was even checking tickets on the way in so we may as well have not even bothered buying any! Should have just walked in, punks. Anyway, film was average. To be honest, it was kinda gay, and the more I think about it, the more gay it seems. Doesn't follow the comics at all, and the really good characters are hardly in it, being side-lined by crap ones. Phoenix was awful, corny beyond belief, and everytime she 'turned', she looked like Heather Mills, which really was eerie. Beast was by far the best, and would have ruled in a film of his own! Who knew Frasier could get even cooler? Rogue was a pain in the ass, Storm was a gay pain in the ass just cos Halle Berry is crap-shite. Anyways, I actually fell asleep at one point, so it really must have sucked.
So we came home, had a bit of a snooze, then went out fo dinner. We got back and watched Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, a truly bodacious film!! What a marvellous day!!

I can't remember what we did on Monday.....worrying.....hmmmm

But, on Friday, we complete on the house so we can get going!! Very exciting!! But I don't want to say too much, cos I've already said a lot!! I shall let you know how it all goes after the event.

Wish me luck!

Wednesday, June 21, 2006


Well, on a lighter note, my little brother 'the Jonotron' as we like to call him, due to an obsession with Robot Wars in his early years, is currently travelling around the world. So far he has been to.....erm....a lot of places, and managed to injure himself and cause substantial property damage along the way. He also learned a valuable lesson about ladyboys, and that yes, they do look like real women but it doesn't mean you should go near them EVER. He also met Harold Bishop, something just about everyone I know seems to have done. But anyway, his main reason for going is his quest for Armadillos.
Armadillos are a fascinating mammal, renowned for digging, and contracting Leprosy.

Oh for f***s sake.

I spoke to the Jonotron last night and was coerced in to mentioning him on here, but frankly, I don't know what to write. I can tell you that for 3 years he ate nothing but Cheese-Strings and Frubes, was addicted to the Kerrang channel, and had this weird little friend called Alan who may or not have been Timmeh from South Park.

Here's a picture of him pretending to be Sly Stallone in 'Cliffhanger.' Hope that's adequate for you Jon, I'm still mourning the death of Jimmy Nail and am not up to my usual standards today.

I truly am feeling a little uninspired today, due to the impending house move. I keep thinking I am a week ahead, which is very annoying, and rather stupid.

I think I need a cup of tea. I promise to return in a better frame of mind.

Outta here.

In Memorium

Jimmy Nail - May to June 2006

This post is dedicated to Jimmy Nail, who on Monday, 19th June, was cruelly murdered by an evil villain going by the name of 'Den Here'. Poor Jimmy was dismembered by this callous cretin, his body parts thrown into different bins, in different parts of the region. So far, only a section of his jaw has been recovered, the search continues for the rest of him.

Though his life was short, it was every bit as full as yours or mine. No matter what came his way, he always had a smile on his face, and he never complained about anything. He will be sadly missed, and leaves behind a widow, Lemon, a small tortoise from New Waltham, the capital city of Lincolnshire.

As of yet, no attempt has been made to arrest Mr Den Here, due to insufficient evidence. Even though he has since been seen repeatedly at the scene of the crime, and was found uttering what sounded like "Muh ha ha ha!" under his breath on the actual day, the police feel they haven't enough material to make an arrest. Let's hope something comes up soon, for all of our sakes.

Rest In Peace Jimmy Nail, we salute you.

Saturday, June 17, 2006

Ford Perfect

Well, it would seem the fantastic-ness of my crocodile making antics were somewhat overlooked, as Ford went on to win the prestigious, 'International Federation of Making Model Crocodiles at Work: Crocodile of the Year Award.'
Am I disappointed? Yes.
Did I go home and cry? No.
I may have broken all the competition rules and got disqualified, but I still can't help feeling a slight sense of satisfaction, as deep down, I think Ford knows full well, that mine is far superior. Obviously, he'd never admit to that, but I can see it in his eyes. Many are intimidated by my greatness, few challenge it, until now. I feel I may have met my match, and there could be many more challenges heading my way.....
....then again, there's a broken cafetiere sitting on his desk that I suspect has been there (unwashed) for about three months. Surely that is Ford's biggest challenge?
Lucky for him.
I am the Lex Luthor of my generation and he doesn't need that threat hanging over him.

So here's my crocodile. I call him Peroni. In all my 26 years I have never been so proud.


So I am currently going through a phase of being bored by EVERYTHING. I think it's cos I want to move into my house. The only things entertaining me at the moment are 'Jpod' by Douglas Coupland, and the prospect of having THREE bathrooms. Ming keeps having days off, that's not helping. There's not much to do at work when the only other person in the company who knows what Linux is (that's your friend anyway) isn't there. Not that we sit and talk about Linux. There's just a severe lack of geeks, to say that the IT department is quite big. Ish. Some of the people in there go home to a computer-less house!!! Sick and WRONG. I hope you feel very dirty. You should.

On a lighter note, sort of, Jonathan Davis, the god-like genius KORN singer nearly died this week. I say lighter note, because he had a blood infection (to do with some medication he had an allergic reaction to), which resulted in him having to have a blood transfusion. As he was hospitalized on the same day as my own little blood drama, I have come to the conclusion that, although I am never allowed to give blood again, it's because I was only meant to do it once, so I could save the leader of my favourite band. I feel sure my red gold was shipped in his direction, and forever more I will feel even more of an affinity with him.

If you're reading this JD, you're welcome. And yes, I'd be happy to come along with you on your next UK tour.

Well I'd best go, Hefty is annoyed with me for spending too long on my Mac. Looks like I'm in trouble.


Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Give blood

So it's been a wee while since I blogged again, for a very good reason. I shall get to that in a bit though. Firstly, our new house is nearly ready, and we're due to complete on 30th June!! Yay! I should be happy this day, but it's the three year anniversary of the death of my beloved dog, so I may also be a little sad :0( Because I still miss her.

But the house has windows and doors and generally looks proper bo, so we can't wait!!! We also went shopping for stuff when we visited la maison, taking advantage of this ridiculous World Cup nightmare that has ravaged the streets and turned respectable people everywhere in to chavs. And turned chavs in to Mecha-Chavs, a truly dangerous species indeed. We saw some furniture we liked, a lot we didn't, and went to Starbucks where I had a Banana Caramel Frappuccino and cappuccino muffin. I prefer the Caramel Frappuccinos by far, lose the banana, you can't go wrong. Hefty had some chicken and mango wrap thing and a fruity drink. He's so healthy, puts me to shame. Oh well. Obviously doesn't put me to shame that much or I wouldn't continue to eat cheese, and Rice Krispie Squares, my new favourite snack treat. Inspired by (can't be bothered with html tonight, look it up yourselves) I feel the need to make a mahoossive RKS, perhaps using the neighbour's swimming pool as a mould. That would be cool!! The neighbour might not be so amused initially, but upon seeing a mammoth Rice Krispie Square I'm sure he'll come round!!!

Also completed the crocodile!! He looks so cool, I should take photos and put them on here really, I can't believe I haven't already!! We have called him Peroni, because his feet are made from a Peroni box. Peroni is a kind of beer apparently. Anyways, Ming is uber impressed, Ford has been off but will find it waiting for him on Friday when he returns! Muhahahahah hah ha!

On Monday, I did something I have always wanted to do, gave blood. I think this is a very important thing to do, you must do it people!!! I felt very pleased after doing it. Until I passed out at my desk about twenty minutes later. JT thought I was messing around and waited til I'd fallen to the floor before kicking me to see if I was okay. Not really. She did think I was joking, but soon realised I wasn't and was very helpful. So I'm told. I was unconscious and had stopped breathing so I missed that bit. She did ask if they could bring the blood back as I obviously only had a pint in my entire body anyway, but they didn't. Anyways, after several attempts to get up, and a lot of embarrassment and faffing around, my daddy came to pick me up and take me home. My Mum was miles and miles away and Hefty doesn't drive so my daddy was the best choice. Plus he's cool!!! So he took me home and we picked Hefty up on the way. Hefty then looked after me as I needed constant monitoring, and I spent Monday afternoon and yesterday being spoiled. I watched even more Murder She Wrote, as well as Fred Dibnah, and some Prisoner. Ooh and Green Wing. Anyway, went back to work today, and on top of still feeling shite, had a million people asking me about the whole 'incident'. Don't mind if it's my friends, but the whole company knowing is rather embarrassing. One bloke seemed to think it's cos I was diabetic, and kept asking about injections??!!! No man, I'm just not good at bleeding!!!

So that was fun. I feel awful still now. And pale. Paler than usual. In fact I'm going to go to bed.

Laters people.

iPale iPandah

Friday, June 09, 2006


I didn't realise it was so long since I last blogged. Shame on me, I'm clearly uber lazy. To be honest though, I'm not sure my week has been particularly action-packed. I'm currently at work, thought I should do some blogging as it beats calculations on a Friday afternoon.

THis week...hmmm...well, the crocodile is looking proper bo. I was supposed to bring it in today, but Ming was off so I'm bringing it in on Monday instead. So I didn't finish it off last night like I was going to. I watched two episodes of Murder She wrote and fell asleep on Hefty. We have also made a start on Milky Joe, so I'm going to finish him off over the weekend too. It's all very creative in the iPandah household at the moment!

Tomorrow, we're going to see the house again, apparently it has windows now, yay! And Hefty's going to trim the hedges and do some Polyfilla-ing in the bathroom. I'd rather paint a coconut than do that!!

Not sure about Sunday....obviously the main thing we'll be doing is avoiding the World Cup, and laughing when England get knocked out in the first round. It would be nice to burn all those goddam HIDEOUS chavvy car flags that people are littering their vehicles with. Have you people no shame? Well you should have!!! You chavs!

So that's me, for now. I'm off to help Super Saz decide on an outfit for tonight.


Sunday, June 04, 2006

Crocodile shoes

On Friday, my good friend South African Caryn left work, again. This time was worse than before because I know she isn't coming back this time. She'll come and see us in our new house and stuff, but it won't be the same not working with her every day. Noone else knows who Chuck Norris is for a start!! :0(

Anyway, on Friday, I was also set a challenge. Ford has constructed this crocodiley creature out of bits of things. He did it a while ago, but because it's made out of bits of things you'd expect to find in IT, I've never noticed it before. So, to cut a long story short, after a few comments by myself, I have been challenged to make my own crocodile!! So I will!! I am currently collecting materials, and Ming says I am allowed stuff not just from offices, because you don't get the kind of bits and pieces one needs, in the Milk Department!! So, the heat is on, and I must have my creation ready by 03.30.30s on Friday afternoon. I need some green paint.......

Yesterday, Hefty and I went to a family barbecue. Luckily, the fam who fell out have made up. Phew!! Cos that wouldn't have been much fun! So we sat outside, played with my niece Biz, and ate our own body weights in meat, garlic bread and cheese!! Job well done! Then we went home and watched Indiana Jones. What a great way to spend a Saturday!

Today, Hefty's Mum and Dad, PB and SuBu came up to see us from dahn sarf. Sort of. We had another fabulous feast of meat and cheese, no garlic bread this time though, and then we took them to see our house. The roof is on! Yay! And it's been lovely and sunny all weekend so we took some cool pics, and they really saw the place at its best. I just can't wait to move in now!! We chose some tiles and things and had a bit of a walk round. Saw the lovely Albert again, that's the horse for anyone who can't remember, and the lickle ducks! Roll on the end of June!!!

I have watched a lot of Murder She Wrote again this weekend too, though I don't know how I found time. Also, some Columbo, which was entertaining. No Fred Dibnah though, alas.

And I think that's it. Just having some cocoa and watching The Mummy. What a great weekend! :0)

I need to get a crack on with my crocodile though, hmmmmm......

Thursday, June 01, 2006

What a way to make a living

This morning, I was in work for 6.30am. Hefty had to be in early for some important computery gubbins so I dropped him off. I sat at work and listened to a bit of Korn whilst perusing t'internet. Then, JT turned up before 7am so we had some coffee and discussed food. Then, a surprise. Some dudes from the Marketing Department had arranged for a breakfast gift box, to do with one of our products, so we got a free croissant, small pot of Bonne Maman jam, and some of said product. It was very nice!!! Then we had more coffee and did a bit of work. I'm going to be doing it all again tomorrow too as he has to be in again. But I suspect there will be no breakfast box so I'll have to make my own arangements.

Last night, Hefty, myself, and SA Caryn went to a posh hotel for high tea. It was very nice, very classy. Then we chavved out and went to Nandos for dinner. But it was good!! Even though it's full of posers, you can't fault the food, sometimes, it's just what you need!

The family have made up by the way, phew!! As we are having a family BBQ on Saturday, so that could have been akward!!

Oh wow! Murder She Wrote is on all night on UKTV Drama! Wahoo! Score! The episode is called, 'The Night of the Headless Horseman'. Trick.

I'm going to have to go and watch it with some pasta and cheese.

Sorry. More blogging tomorrow, promise.