The broccoli had gone. But the hurt remained.

Hello again. I am returned. And what a fun week it has been. Hmm.

So I turned up at the hospital at around 5 to 11 on Saturday morning and had a pre-op assessment. This involved checking that all the info I'd given them previously was accurate and still the same. Then I got into a sexy gown, and sat in the waiting room with Hefty. Some dude turned up and I was led away to the anaesthesia room down the hall. I got onto the bed whilst they took my blood pressure and other important malarky gubbins, and then had to drink this foul tasing antacid thing, to make sure my stomach was settled. Then they put one of those horrible hand needle attachment thingys on me (which hurt like a bastard) and pumped me full of anaesthetic. And that was that.

Next thing, I woke up in some other random room, where a load of nurses were sat around chatting. They came to see if I was okay, and tried to sit me up. I fainted. Ha! You can always rely on me to faint!! I explained to them that I have Benign Positional Vertigo (that's BPV to those in the know), and that I would need my medication. They said I was only allowed painkillers and if I wanted anything else, the doctor would have to sign it off, and there wasn't one. Hefty then appeared, and so did my sister, and they tried to get me up again, but I passed out good and proper, so they told me I wasn't allowed to go home, I'd have to stay in. Boo. This upset me a lot, I don't like hospitals, and the thought of having to stay in one on my own was traumatic!! So whilst they wheeled me up to some ward, I pretty much wept like a badger, and cursed myself for having this operation in the first place. There was only 2 other people on my ward, a couple of old-ish ladies, but I didn't pay too much attention, as I was in pain, semi-conscious, and over-wrought at the prospect of a night without the big H (that's Hefty, not Heroin, for anyone who may have jumped to that conclusion). It's all a bit vague, so some of these details might be wrong, but I remember Hefty and my sister leaving to go and get some stuff for me. They returned with my iPod (a vital accessory for hospital survival, as it turned out) and some other things. I cried again when they had to leave, and lay with a pillow over my head, trying to block out the strip lighting and muffle my incessant sobbing.

Eventually, I fell asleep, but woke up at god knows what time, because one of the oldish ladies was snoring. And when I say snoring, I mean SNORING. I've never heard such a racket in my life!! It was louder than bombs, so I decided to get up and leave, as you do. Yep, it's fair to say I was a little confused, and though I knew I wasn't at home, I wasn't too sure about anything else, only that I wanted to find a phone and call Hefty, after a trip to the loo. So I found the lavatory pretty quickly, and turned on the light. As I stood there with the door open, I suddenly thought, 'I don't feel so good, I might actually pass out, again'. I decided that pulling the red cord with a plastic triangle on it might be a wise idea. It was. It set off an alarm, and 2 nurses came running. They arrived just in time to see me fall over and land arse first on the toilet (an impressive trick, probably couldn't do that again if I tried), hitting my head on the toilet paper dispenser on the way down. They quickly wheel-chaired me back to bed, but not before I'd demanded that they 'remove my paper pants and let me wee at once' in a moment of Withnail-esque euphoria. Then, before I knew it, I was back in bed. I can't tell you how uncomfortable it was. In fact, how uncomfortable it has been all week, mainly because I can ONLY get to sleep on my stomach, and lying on my back (and side, when possible) has meant I haven't had a good night's sleep all week. And I've got terrible back ache too, which is making me feel lousy. I wasn't allowed out until 4pm on Sunday, because they decided that perhaps medicating me for the vertigo might be a wise idea after all, but wanted to give me a few doses beforehand so they could check I was progressing. it didn't help that the doctor on duty didn't know about the clocks going forward, and turned up an hour late. So all I did really was pod out, listening to a bit of Harry Potter, Lacuna Coil, and Korn, whilst I waited for the rents to turn up.

So my folks and Hefty came to collect me, and after the bumpiest car journey ever, I finally arrived home, and went straight to bed. And this is pretty much where I've been all week. I've watched a lot of films, read a few magazines, despaired at daytime TV, and tried to sleep. Stitches came out yesterday, which also hurt, but I am apparently on the road to recovery. Was only allowed to wash on Tuesday, and not with soap or anything. So today was my first day of full on washing!! I used shower gel AND got to wash my hair! Wahoo!! And it turns out that it was worthwhile having the op after all, as I have Endometriosis, which can be bad news!! I go back in 6 weeks for my follow-up consultation, where hopefully I'll find out more. For now though, it's quite nice just to know I do have something wrong with me after all, and though it's taken years for them to find, at least they now have. Hopefully I can concentrate on getting better now, well, in about 6 weeks, when they tell me what they're going to do about it.

So that's me. And that's my week. And now I'm sleepy again.

Zzzzzzzzzzz..................iP.............zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Lashings of Ginger Ale

Thanks guys for all your super comments!! It's nice to know I have a good support network out there! :0)
So tomorrow is the big day. I've been bricking it all week, but the worst thing will probably be not being able to eat anything. Eating is good, not eating is wrong!!! Though if I end up as a size 0 after all this it'd be worth it!

I settled on an eclectic mix of films to keep me entertained:

Underworld Evolution
Best In Show
The Running Man
Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon
Constantine (seen it but like it)
The Story of the Weeping Camel (bought purely for the funky cover)
The Cutting Edge
The Man with Two Brains
Girl, Interrupted
Hostel

It's a random list to be sure, but then I am kind of random so it seems appropriate.

Speaking of random, last night I attended a dinner with Enid Blyton's daughter Gillian. I was sat on the top table with her (oh yes, it pays to be Vice President of the Old Girls Association) and was one of the most surreal moments ever. She did a speech and stuff for everyone else there, but the 6 of us sharing a table with her were mesmorised. Not only was she uber-interesting, she had the kind of voice you could listen to all night. I just kept looking at her thinking, that's frikkin Enid Blyton's DAUGHTER! And I"M sat with her!!!! Bizarre, utterly bizarre. The menu involved puddings that she'd written about in Malory Towers, so there was Spotted Dick, Trifle, Ginger Pudding, and something else that I can't recall. I thought that was quite cool, though it's not the kind of fayre you get at boarding school anymore, so you wouldn't have a clue if you hadn't read the books. We also had Ginger Ale, which was a nice touch. I hate fizzy drinks but hey. It looked cool. So all in all, a pretty fly evening :0) We walked her to her car, which was parked really badly. Just as my compadre Charlotte was commenting on this, Gillian mentioned the knee replacement operation she'd had in November. We're going straight to hell now, I'm sure of it.

So, the next time I write, the op will be all over, and I'll be bed-ridden, with only my trusty iBook for company (and the TV, DVD player, video, Laserdisc player etc.)


I'd like to have posted a picture, but once again, Blogspot is playing up and not letting me. Grrrrrr.

Farewell for now fellow bloggers, see you on the other side.

iP

Not so fierce iPandah

Next Saturday, I'm having an operation.

Yikes!

I only found out on Friday, bit of a shock! So I'm bricking it a bit now, and am in a weird mood. I know I'm acting strangely because I downloaded some Maximo Park and Panic! At the Disco from iTunes. Luckily, I followed up with some Mastodon, so I don't feel too bad now. Clearly I'm having some kind of pre-operative break down though. If I come out of my anaesthesia next week and start asking for anything by The Killers, I'd rather go back under thanks.

So I'm having something called a Laparoscope (do your own Google search, I felt sick when I did it), which means they're gonna slice my stomach open. Nice!! When I get out, I'll be recovering for 1 to 2 weeks, which sounds like a good idea in principal, 2 weeks in bed, few DVDs and laserdiscs, couple of books, sorted. But I'm probably actually going to be in PAIN, and this is what's freaking me out. My sister started going on about her caesarean, which didn't help. She kept saying, "It's really weird when you come out of it, and when you've woken up, your body almost re-enacts the operation so it's as if they're doing it when you're awake!" AAAAGGGGHH! :0(

I'm trying not to think about it but that's all I can think about so I'm afraid I don't have a lot else to say. Apologies.

I need to order some new DVDs to watch, but I can't think of anything I want!! All suggestions welcome, but it's got to be actiony, preferably dark, violent, vampires are a bonus, Blade, Underworld, Fight Club, stuff along those lines. No chick flick shite, I DON'T DO Love Actually, Dirty Dancing, anything like that. I think I might get The Crow, haven't seen that for a long time. Need Lost Boys too, but after that I'm at a loss. Boo.

Oh dear. I feel strange again, I'm going to have to go before I say anything too weird.

:0(

Teddy Potter Time

Yep, it's that time again, Teddy Potter Time. Teddy Potter (for those who are new to this concept) appears every now and then to remind us that for all the bad things that happen, there are good moments too, and we should be grateful for either. If you can live in an attic for 20 years, have your clothes and feet eaten by mice, and still have a smile on your face, you know you're going to be okay.



Once again Teddy Potter, I thank you for reminding me to take the rough with the smooth.

Outburst

My ear hurts. It's making me deaf with its evil sore lumpiness. Grrrr.

This week, has been a week of grumpiness. I am grouchy about my ear, my Mum (and having to go round on Mother's Day), West Ham being shite, CO2 (I don't care who disagrees with me, I believe what EVERYONE has been telling me for years), and my hair, which is just HORRENDOUS at the moment. Misery is following me round it would seem. I think it's because I'm not normally a grouchy, mopey person. I've clearly been drugged or something. But I'm too grumpy to care! And I STILL can't post images on my frakkin blog!!!! AAAAAAAAGHHHHHHH, is my response to all of this.

Apologies. If you can't have an outburst on your blog though, where can you? Sigh.

Outburst over, I'm going to bed, because there's a right pair of weirdos on Grand Designs this week and it's anything but calming.

grum(i)P

Vive la CO2

Did anyone see 'The Great Global Warming Swindle' on C4 last night? It was an inspired programme!! I have to say, I've watched a lot of global warming stuff that's rather vague and doesn't give you any answers, but this answered every question I've ever had!! Well, the questions to do with CO2 emissions, I'm still none the wiser about where Burt the Chimney Sweep and Mary Poppins previously met. The crux of it was, CO2 has NOTHING to do with climate change!!! CO2 only increases about 800 years after the temperature has, and it's actually all to do with the sun. Hefty, who did his degree in Bio-Geo Science (yes, apparently such a thing does exist), said he has known about this for ages, as it's one of the first things they teach you. The Earth's temperature changes all the time depending on what the sun's up to, and it has always been this way. Certainly makes a lot of sense. Al Gore made that film about it all, but all the graphs he used had no x or y axis, and so he was able to match up the patterns without technically lying to anyone. According to a lot of these scientists, the threat of GW is an attempt to stop the developing countries developing, as they don't want them to gain any power. That, above all, sounds entirely feesible to me. These super-power countries are always trying to stop everyone else for their own benefit, and something like this is the ideal way to do it. It's propaganda people!! But now, so many people have bought into the idea, that too many jobs exist solely to sort the (non) issue out, and too much money would be lost, so they're carrying on with it. Pah! I guess there's not much we can do, but if they start trying to charge me for my CO2 emissions, I'm going to start a riot. (As the future Mayor of London, Tim, your support would be greatly appreciated!!!) Bring on the revolution!!!!

Now for an amendment. In my last post, I had the cheek to write 'Poultergeist' which I have seen written in many places, but it should actually be POLTERGEIST apparently. Shame on me, I should be punished.

Dinner time is upon me anyway, so I shall take my leave.

Farewell folks, and remember, keep breathing, you're harming NOTHING!

Month End

Month End is that time when I disappear off for ages. This is because I have too much work to do and come home so tired that I fall asleep on the sofa. When I wake up hours later, it's bed time. This tends to go on for about a week, then I'm bored at work again. Vicious. Cycle. So it's been a milky week of milky balancing for me. Fun, fun, fun.

I did manage to watch some random tv inbetween naps this week. I saw 'Interview With A Poultergeist' the other night, which was about this family who had a mischievous poultergeist called Bill. He knocked on walls a lot, then started flinging the kids out of bed and down stairs, then he started chatting. It was weird as hell. I didn't know whether to be scared or amused.

I also watched Louise Redknapp become a Size 0, and though I should have watched it and seen the flaw in dieting, I actually just felt fat, and it didn't help when SuperSaz declared that she was 4 inches off being a Size 0 herself. Now I feel like 'The Woman Who Lost 30 Stone' (Channel 5, Monday night), before she lost 30 stone. It's depressing :0( If I didn't have this wedding, I wouldn't really be bothering, but I have set myself this ridiculous goal of looking like a supermodel in my bridesmaid dress so I don't ruin the photos. I'm sure no-one's going to be looking at me, but I don't want L's friends who I don't know to be saying, "Who's your fat mate?' I'm getting Kelp tablets this week. Apparently they make you thin. I don't care how or why, as long as they do.

Yesterday, I thought that Albert, the biggest of the horses in the field behind our house, had died. He was flat out in the field, and was still there this morning. I consulted my sister, the equine expert, who told me that horses do that when they want to relax, and that I shouldn't worry. She said it was unlikely he'd been there for two days, it was probably just his favourite spot, and I happened to catch him every time he was there. Sure enough, when I got home this afternoon, he was eating hay with his buds. Phew. No-one should have to see a dead horse, it's not nice (I've seen a couple before, this is why I was so disturbed).

For some reason, Blogger is being teh gay today, and it won't let me post any pictures. Pah! This happens every now and then, and it sucks!! So much for new and improved Blogger, google schmoogle. Pah again!

So no pics. Boo. I had a good one too. Maybe tomorow. Hmph.

Astronaut Milking Machine

I have now found something else to be geeky about. Robotic Milking Machines - man, they are AWESOME!!! Today was wickedace cos my farm visit was more wonderful than anything I could have ever imagined!!

The Astronaut Milking Machine consists of a couple of pens (one on the left, one on the right), a series of one-way gates, and a robotic arm. The cow can wander in whenever it wants, and the computer scans it (I don't know why I'm saying 'it', all cows are ladies!), or rather the collar she wears, which has computer chips and things in it, and the machine knows whether she has been milked or not. If she hasn't, feed drops down into a tray and the cow happily eats whilst the robotic arm appears underneath her and does its stuff. Firstly, roller brush things and a water spray come on, and the arm cleans the udders!



Then, the suckers, which are individually programmed for each cow's teats (as in, where they are on the udder), suck the milk out one teat at a time (traditional milking parlour suckers suck all the teats at once). As the milk moves through the pipes, it goes through a checking system, which can detect if there are antibiotics or blood in the milk, if the cow has mastitis, or if the milk coming off is colostrum. If it's any of these things, the milk goes into a separate container. Genius!! After all this, the suckers come off, and it's time for another wash, this time, finishing off with a disinfectant spray. Then the cow wanders out again!! If the cow has already been milked, no food drops, and so the cow, upon realising this, wanders out again. They basically stroll in all day and all night, around 7 times each (there's 150 of them in total), which is brilliant for both milk yield and quality. And they're happy to do it, cos they get fed. It was fab to see, as I'm sure the random selection of photos will demonstrate!



We then wandered off and saw some little calflings!! They were tiny small, the cutest things ever making their little mooey noises! It was all so exciting that by the time I'd got back in the car I was shattered. It's tiring work seeing magic happen.

So that was my day. I am now going to spend the rest of the evening swotting up on dairy equipment.