Warning, this post contains information of a sensitive nature

Today was interesting. Went to the doctors for some quite minor medication query, and I had to see a Nurse Practitioner as all the doctors' were booked. NPs are pretty much the same as doctors apparently, but not quite as qualified, and they probably earn a lot less. Anyways, she was very nice, but because I only recently registered and I hadn't had a routine check-up, she asked if I'd do one then. No problem, all was well, weight, height, do you smoke, all that kind of thing. Then she wanted to do some 'feminine' checks. What the hell I thought, the older one gets, the more used to doctors and nurses poking about in your bits one gets (it has just occurred to me how many men read my blog and are currently thinking, NO, I can't read this, I don't want to know! Fine, you were warned initially). I wouldn't normally divulge this kind of info without any good reason, but my good reason is that it was a comedy moment, and it would be selfish not to share. The first thing she said was "I'll pull the curtain round you, but shall I close the window?' I looked at the window, it was slightly ajar. "Is it very draughty on the examination bed?" I naively enquired. "Not at all," said she, "It's just in case you thought anyone was going to look or jump in." Look? Jump in? This disturbed me. "Does it happen a lot?" I asked, "Oh no," she laughed. What I probably should have said was, "Has this happened before? How many times?" because once I'd laid down I started to think how her response didn't necessarily mean that just because it hadn't happened for a couple of weeks, it wasn't going to happen today. So she was getting on with whatever it was she was doing, and then she said "I'm just going to insert the speculum." This, for those of you not in the know is a metal device that looks like a sort of gun, and is used for a more widescreen picture of your....ahem. Well, I've had this done before so I wasn't particularly bothered, but boy was she aggressive. She jabbed it in, kept twisting it around, and all I could do was lie there and think "Is this what having sex with Bender would be like?' Clearly my two days watching Futurama had not been in vain. I kept squirming due to her violent wielding of this evil instrument, and she said "Goodness love, keep still, you're nearly off the edge of the bed." "Well I'm just not used to this," I whimpered. "No, I don't suppose you are," she said. Don't suppose? What did she have to doubt? Does she think I do this all the time for fun? Maybe it's common in that neck of the woods for people to bring their own. A bit like when you go ice skating or bowling. There's always someone who has 'brought their own.' Anyway, it was finally over, but I was so conscious of keeping my eye on the window that I put my jeans on backwards, which then made me think of 'Spaceballs', where the president gets beamed somewhere and ends up with half his body the other way round. He grabs his arse and says "Why didn't anyone tell me my ass was this big?" This in turn made me laugh, so I then had to pretend I was coughing, as I didn't want her to think I was deranged. Anyways, she wrote me a prescription for the reason I'd gone in the first place, and off I went, feeling violated and amused. There's not many days when you feel like that, now you see why I had to share it. When I got home, my Sainsbury's order arrived, and the delivery man proudly told me how everything was exactly how I'd ordered it, no substitutions or anything. So then I felt surprised. Violated, amused, surprised. Interesting. I should do this more often.