Warning, this post contains information of a sensitive nature

Today was interesting. Went to the doctors for some quite minor medication query, and I had to see a Nurse Practitioner as all the doctors' were booked. NPs are pretty much the same as doctors apparently, but not quite as qualified, and they probably earn a lot less. Anyways, she was very nice, but because I only recently registered and I hadn't had a routine check-up, she asked if I'd do one then. No problem, all was well, weight, height, do you smoke, all that kind of thing. Then she wanted to do some 'feminine' checks. What the hell I thought, the older one gets, the more used to doctors and nurses poking about in your bits one gets (it has just occurred to me how many men read my blog and are currently thinking, NO, I can't read this, I don't want to know! Fine, you were warned initially). I wouldn't normally divulge this kind of info without any good reason, but my good reason is that it was a comedy moment, and it would be selfish not to share. The first thing she said was "I'll pull the curtain round you, but shall I close the window?' I looked at the window, it was slightly ajar. "Is it very draughty on the examination bed?" I naively enquired. "Not at all," said she, "It's just in case you thought anyone was going to look or jump in." Look? Jump in? This disturbed me. "Does it happen a lot?" I asked, "Oh no," she laughed. What I probably should have said was, "Has this happened before? How many times?" because once I'd laid down I started to think how her response didn't necessarily mean that just because it hadn't happened for a couple of weeks, it wasn't going to happen today. So she was getting on with whatever it was she was doing, and then she said "I'm just going to insert the speculum." This, for those of you not in the know is a metal device that looks like a sort of gun, and is used for a more widescreen picture of your....ahem. Well, I've had this done before so I wasn't particularly bothered, but boy was she aggressive. She jabbed it in, kept twisting it around, and all I could do was lie there and think "Is this what having sex with Bender would be like?' Clearly my two days watching Futurama had not been in vain. I kept squirming due to her violent wielding of this evil instrument, and she said "Goodness love, keep still, you're nearly off the edge of the bed." "Well I'm just not used to this," I whimpered. "No, I don't suppose you are," she said. Don't suppose? What did she have to doubt? Does she think I do this all the time for fun? Maybe it's common in that neck of the woods for people to bring their own. A bit like when you go ice skating or bowling. There's always someone who has 'brought their own.' Anyway, it was finally over, but I was so conscious of keeping my eye on the window that I put my jeans on backwards, which then made me think of 'Spaceballs', where the president gets beamed somewhere and ends up with half his body the other way round. He grabs his arse and says "Why didn't anyone tell me my ass was this big?" This in turn made me laugh, so I then had to pretend I was coughing, as I didn't want her to think I was deranged. Anyways, she wrote me a prescription for the reason I'd gone in the first place, and off I went, feeling violated and amused. There's not many days when you feel like that, now you see why I had to share it. When I got home, my Sainsbury's order arrived, and the delivery man proudly told me how everything was exactly how I'd ordered it, no substitutions or anything. So then I felt surprised. Violated, amused, surprised. Interesting. I should do this more often.

There can be only one

I can't believe it's Tuesday evening already, this week seems to be going a lot quicker than last. We did indeed go for a walk on Saturday, through the big field behind our house, but we had to stop when we got to a footpath blocked by cows. Working in the dairy industry (and the company responsible for those evil cows that want their milk back), I know better than to a aggravate a bovine, so we turned back. It's not that they're aggressive, but they can crush you without realising, never good. On Sunday we went to this shoppingy place with a Habitat and Heals, which was pretty good, but we didn't see anything we wanted to purchase. We were ripped off royally in the cafe thing there though, they charged £18.35 for two sandwiches and a couple of pomegrenate juices!!! It's not often I think to myself, 'It's cheaper in Starbucks.' It was nice, but still. Yesterday, I went to see my highly entertaining niece, and was set upon by the hounds as soon as I got in. I say hounds, they're tiny little white Maltese lap dog thingys. They're lovely and cute, but rather excitable, so I now have a huge claw mark running down the top of my chest. That'll teach me to wear a low cut trendy top. I look like some kind of fetishist. Or S&M superstar. Then Biz kept dropping books on my feet, so now I can't wear any nice shoes until the bruising has gone. Today I went to see my immortal Grandfather. The man has had four heart attacks, three strokes and a hip replacement. You wouldn't know to look at him, I have a feeling he's secretly a MacLeod. He'll outlive us all, he doesn't even lose conscienceness whilst all these strokes and attacks are going on. I hope I'm as strong. Though obviously there can be only one, so I'll have to cut his head off at some point. I'll leave it a bit, I haven't got much time for The Quickening at the moment. Though tomorrow, I am planning on having another Futurama Day. But I'm not giving that up for anything. His time will come, and all that. Tomorrow is cinema night, though I'm having the Will Ferrell Wiggins. I want to see the Ricky Bobby film, but I'm thinking of seeing something else because I have this Will Ferell Wiggins thing, where I start panicking that every film I see with him in is going to be as bad as Anchorman was. I might have to re-consider. Clerks 2 is on next week's agenda, cos we have to watch the first one again before we go, which doesn't leave much. Maybe that Queen film. It's supposed to be brilliant, but I'm not sure how much I want to see a film about the Queen. Still, a good film about Her Maj is better than a bad film about racing. Hmmm.

At last!!!

Well, hello again. I haven't been able to get on to my blog ALL week!!! It just wouldn't work!! But it wasn't a problem here cos everything else was working fine. Probably some kind of Anti-Mac attack, perhaps blogspot aren't fans. Punks. Anyhoo, it's working now! Have been off all this week which has been tremendous. It has mainly consisted of trips to Starbucks (or Starbuckets as my friend's son calls it, bless), shops (but not shopping as in clothes shopping, I HATE that), sleeping, lazing about, seeing some chums. I've also been ploughing through my Futurama boxed sets. There's something extremely satisfying about spending a whole day watching Futurama. It's all good really, and I'm still off next week, wahooo!!! Going to see my niece on Monday, looking forward to that, she always provides valid entertainment. Speaking of which, went to see The Black Dahlia on Wednesday afternoon. RUBBISH!! Completely in-valid entertainment. I think the most annoying thing (aside from Hilary Swank), was that it wasn't really even about the Black Dahlia murder, which is just bizarre! It seemed to be a sub-sub-plot to a load of other crap, which was nonsensical and stoopid. In short, don't bother. But this week, we're seeing the Ricky Bobby film, which I'm hoping will be super, and then it's Clerks 2 the week after, which surely can't fail!!! Right, I'm off, going for a walk or something. Can't remember, maybe it's lunch time? Who knows.

TTFN

Regrets, I've had a few....

Today, I have mostly been regretting my rip-off hair. As good as it looks, I can't stop thinking about what I could have spent £77.50 on instead. The Howling Bells CD I've wanted for ages, the new Imogen Heap album, the Burn In Silence one, not just CDs though, new trainers, have needed some of those since about June. Tickets to Lacuna Coil in October, or the Russell Brand gig in November. Sigh. Damn my relentless quest for dark hair, it'll be blonde again in a week. I am such a fool.

Home Shopping

It's been another busy week, but thankfully I'm now off for a fortnight, yay!!! The weather has been rather dramatic of late, and on Thursday, the traffic was so bad it took us an hour to get to Sainsbury's. When we got there, it was closed due to flooding!! How random! It's a mahoossive store, how can they be so un-prepared for a bit of rain??!!! Consequently, we decided to have a go at online shopping. Much easier, arrived today, job's a good 'un. So we're just going to do that from now on. Yes it's lazy, but who cares, I AM lazy. Today, I went to get my hair done at the local hair dressers. Very nice inside, very nice people, very nice what they've done with my hair, very frikkin EXPENSIVE!!!!! £77.50 for a colour and cut!!! That'll teach me. I could have had some Vans for that, RUBBISH. Oh well, at least my hair looks kickin. Yesterday we had Rainbow Day at work, which was pretty cool, but nowhere near as big an event as Rod Hull Day. There was as much food, though a wider variety of E numbers this time, but because everyone has been so busy this week, and because we were STILL busy yesterday, it was rather understated. Nevertheless, it was good, and I got to eat Maoams. Tonight, Hefty and are going to eat chicken goujons with beans and mash for dinner. Not terribly gourmet, but we rather fancied it. Then we'll watch Jeepers Creepers whilst scoffing Butterkist. Mmmmmm. Tomorrow, his folks are coming up to see us, so really, we should have spent the day tidying. Wish I had too, could have saved my self £77.50.

Nil

Not one single close up of Nettles's talons last night. Tres disappointing. Severe lack of clues though, maybe next week he'll pick up picture frames and bits of paper like he usually does. It's always the same, when you're looking for it, it aint there.

18 Times

According to iTunes, I have played 'Dirty' by KORN 18 times in the past couple of weeks. How can this be? I thought I'd listened a couple of times but that seems excessive. So I decided to see what else I've been obsessively hearing and discovered that the artists breaking into double figures are:

Kidney Thieves
Adema
KORN (again)
Lacuna Coil

Is it possible to play all this stuff all the time and not even notice? Clearly I am some kind of moron. The only explanation I can think of is that I have them on a playlist, on repeat, and have muted my Mac for some reason or other and not bothered to un-mute it. They might have been playing on a loop for hours. Then again, I have just realised that I am currently listening to 'Dirty' AGAIN as I write this. So I guess I am just a moron. Oh well.
Today Hefty and I went into my work so I could do some stuff. He sat and watched The Sopranos whilst I crunched numbers and filed things. The security guard who was in today is called Louis Bonaparte, which I just think is the best name ever. For a security guard anyway. He's bound to lead some kind of Security Revolution with a name like that. We got home about an hour ago now and I feel ready to go to sleep! I had the worst night's sleep ever last night though, so it's unsurprising really. Ironically, our fancy new Habitat bed arrived yesterday, which looks proper bo. I don't think the bed is the reason I ached and woke up all sweaty though. I think it's cos we cleaned, tidied and moved stuff all day yesterday, not something I'm accustomed to. We then watched 'The Fifth Element' on laserdisc . It was tres entertaining, but tonight is Midsomer Murders night, compulsive viewing in the Mr and Mrs Pandah household. Nettles is a triumph, and has the longest fingernails ever!! Long fingernails on men are SOOOOOO Un-attractive. But as Nettles's are also yellow, it's a real horror-treat when you see them. In fact, they become more important than the murders as time goes on. I shall keep you informed as to how many times we see them tonight. Interestingly, when you Google 'long fingernails', page 2 features 'Busty whore with long fingernails' (self-explanatory), and 'long fingernails and more!' (far from self-explanatory). Here's a tip, try not to have SafeSearch on for the latter image. And if you want a bit more excitment in your life, there's always The Story of Vivian's Nails.
Well, I'm off now, got to compile a tally chart for tonight. Come on Nettles, make me proud.

The end is nigh

Today, I'm going into work again. Thankfully, I know that after this week I am on holiday for a fortnight, leaving someone else to work themself to death so they can charge people for milk. It's all sunny here, Hefty is mowing the lawn, and I'd rather be watching the DVD I got free with Metal Hammer, but, such is life. I shall attempt to write a proper entry when I return, which will hopefully be long before Midsomer Murders commences at 0900hrs. West Ham are playing Aston Villa today, I have no idea which way it will go. Or who is playing. Not sure our star signings will be on the pitch, but I guess we'll see. For now, I need more coffee, so I can psyche myself up for invoicing. And maybe a sammich.

Sigh

Yes I know I haven't blogged since Monday. I've been at work the whole goddamm time. I'm still at work now!! I will I will I will. If I can ever get these bloody invoices settled.

Grrr.

Darth Power

I am so busy at work I may die. I got in before 8am this morning, left at 6.30pm, and after I've written this, will spend the rest of the evening doing some more!!! I hate month end!! It's no fun when you work in accounts.
Anyhoo, as I'm on a limited amount of time (gotta get back to the grindstone), here is the story of my car crash. I should point out that it's probably not THAT exciting (sorry pawpads, hope you're not too disappointed!), but it was more interesting than if it hadn't happened. Ahem. So, Hefty and I were on our way back from work, and needed to go to Sainsbury's. So we pulled into the car park (which is mahoossive) and drove around to get to the bit where we normally like to park (am I the only person who always tries to park in the same place at supermarkets?!). It was absolutley chucking it down and there were big pools of water everywhere, it was just like Jurassic Park. I turned a corner, not particularly fast, but suddenly, the back end of my car span out, and we rotated like a professional ice-skater, before flying up a kerb (a la Bullitt) and landing in some shrubbery and a tree! Holy moly!! All that crap they feed you about steering into stuff, who has time to think about that shit??? It happened so fast!!! And at that point, it was even more like Jurassic Park, except that we weren't actually IN the tree, just sort of next to it. The adrenalin kicked in and I couldn't move my legs!!! What kind of damage had I done to my car!!! As I couldn't move, Hefty got out to examine the vehicle......UNLIKE Jurassic Park, there was no damage at all!! WTF?!! I do have a big, black 4WD whom I lovingly refer to as Darth, because he's, well, big and black, but also the console and CD player light up red inside which is particularly Vadery. Hefty did discover that upon hitting the tree, the aerial had snapped off, but that won't be difficult or expensive to replace. Unbelievable!! Then, this dude on a motorbike turned up and said "How did you get in there?" I wasn't in the mood!! CLEARLY it wasn't deliberate!!!! I felt like growling "There is no escape, don't make me destroy you...." Punk ass mofo. Anyway, thanks to Darth Power, we were able to reverse out of the bushes quite easily, but we'd made a bit of a mess!! I was kind of scared to get back in after we'd done the shopping, but as Hefty can't drive, I had to overcome my fear and get on with it! Luckily, the force was strong with me, and we made it home alive.....if you only knew, the power of the dark side....
So that was it. Dramatic, scary, but not THAT exciting. At least there was no damage (apart from the aerial). So there you go. I REALLY have to go now, I have so much number crunching to do and my brain already hurts!

Ow.

Unbelievable

Tonight, I was going to update me blog with the week's events. I've been too busy thus far, but had set aside some special 'iP' time. Then, would you Adam and Eve it, we had a bloody power cut. So now you'll have to wait, cos I need sleep now. Gotta be up early as it's going to be the week from hell at work due to everyone in the world being on holiday. Gutted. I had a car crash on Thursday though, so if nothing else, there'll be adventure, excitment, and a little drama. Speaking of which, Ford starts his teacher training course tomorrow. Good luck dude!! It's not too late, you can still turn back........... ;0)
Well, I've taken some Nytol, and am going to listen to the Mighty Boosh to go to sleep. Should produce an interesting dream or two. Ciao for now chaps.

iP