Pandah-monium (in my head)

This is my 228th post in nearly 2 years. That's poor isn't it? And it's a month since I last wrote anything. I'm not sure what happens to me, but sometimes I just can't seem to sit down and get on with writing something. It's not like I don't have anything to say, but I seem to lose my momentum after a few enthusiastic fits and starts. Since the beginning of 2008, which got off to a pretty crap start, I've felt a bit distant from myself, and think I must be having some sort of pre-30 crisis. Not sure why, I'm not bothered about being 30, and it's not for 2 years, but I can't think what else it is. Unless it's a post-25 crisis, but I can't even begin to get my head round that idea! I'm wondering if it isn't down to the arrival of Ozzy.

I'm sort of a parent now, and my previous life full of free time is gone, as I now spend all day taking him outside, playing with him, brushing him, feeding him, stopping him from doing stuff, and walking him. I can't spend a leisurely half-hour deciding what make-up look to go for, and whether to goth it up or play it down, I have to be darn quick, and slap on the red eyeshadow ASAP, pull on clothes whether they match my face or not, and get back downstairs before he stops howling! We're considering getting another dog, as Ozzy is a very clingy dog, and though it's a breed trait, it's very limiting. It's not that I want to go out foe hours on end, but if I just pop out for an hour or so, he's dreadfully upset when I get back. He's better than he was, but I have to put him in his pet carrier so he doesn't destroy anything, and if he needs the loo there's nowhere else to go! I wash his bedding a lot! I've left him just on the middle floor a couple of times, and he's been okay actually, but we haven't had a night out for so long, and I think it's starting to affect me. I'm not talking about clubbing or anything, but I miss not going to the cinema, or just out for dinner. We used to go out 3 or 4 times a week, and it just stopped altogether, which had made it harder to get used to. I think if we get him a friend, they can keep each other company, and we can maybe get out every now and then.



I think it's put me off having a child though. I feel a bit trapped, which is stupid because I don't work (which is great!), and am not tied into any dramatic domestic schedules. I just feel a bit like I'm losing myself a bit, and recently, I've realised how much I'd like to be more of a proper goth, but I can't because Hefty doesn't like that look AT ALL. Teetering on the edge of being a demi-goth is making me feel incomplete, and frustrated because I know I can't go any further. So I'm having an identity crisis as well as the other one! But I keep thinking, if this is what I feel like now, what would I be like with children? I think I'd be ten times worse, and am half-wondering if the reason I've got such bad Endometriosis, is that my body agrees!

I have joined a band though, and think this might be therapeutic. If I can goth it up on stage, then perhaps it will counteract my funny feelings of normality. It's just going to be covers and stuff, round pubs, but I reckon it'll be good experience, and will help my confidence.

Good god! I've had a right rant there! I should write something less depressing, for all our sakes!

So it's been Easter! I bought Hefty a dvd about the font 'Helvetica', a chicken egg cosy, and I baked him some flapjack in the shape of little chickens! I decorated the house up on Friday whilst he was still snoozing, and was delighted that it was sunny. Unfortunately, he forgot, so I didn't get anything. Not even a card (I'd got him one from me and one from Ozzle), and he felt bad. He's ordered me something but it's not really the same is it. It's not like he forgot an anniversary or anything, but I love Easter, and always make a big thing of it, and have done since we met, so he should know by now. I've not said this though, as he obviously did feel bad about it, and I don't think me going on at him would help anything. I was just a bit upset, cos I'd gone to so much effort. I'll let you know what he gets me anyway, when it eventually arrives!

I saw my folks on Friday, saw the BIz, my sister, and then came home to watch Murder She Wrote. Ooh, it was the Jonotron's 21st birthday on Friday! But he's in Australia, so we didn't get to celebrate. I ordered him a card from the Australian Moonpig, only to find out he'd moved from the address I sent it to :0( He says it'll come through on mail-redirection at some point, but I was doubly disappointed on Friday because of this. He had some kind of party in botanical gardens, all very random, have yet to hear how it went. On Saturday I raced around all day! Had to go to the farm shops (my new obsession), Hefty got his hair cut, I cleaned and tidied and made a Victoria Sponge Cake and a Lime Cheesecake. I don't know why I've capitalised the cakes, but I'm not going to change it. Hefty's parents came up on Sunday - hence the preparations - and they had lunch and dinner, so I was tidying up all day. They left at about 10.30pm, and I was asleep on my feet by that point. Yesterday, I didn't really do anything, just slept cos I was so tired.

Today, I think I'll do the same! Although I might have to go shopping at some point with my sister, as she's having a party on Thursday and I said I'd take her to Costco to look at party food. I can leave Ozzy with her dogs so it'll be cool.

On Thursday, I'm attending this:

Zombreeze

I'm going with my cousin, who's a proper goth, and we're basically just going to go as goths, cos that'll make us look a bit dead. If it gets in the GBoWR I'll be rather excited though! My claim to fame! It's doubly brilliant though as it means I can be a full goth for the afternoon, and Hefty can't say anything cos it's for a valid reason!!! Ha!



Right, Ozzy is pestering me, I shall have to go, he keeps trying to chew my ear.

I shall try to blog properly from now on, with regularity!

Ciao.

iP